Article content:

• When to refuse mediation
• When to request a support person
• Choosing a support person
• Suggestions in avoiding mediation in a court process
• Preparing for mediation in antagonistic situations

This article is intended to offer suggestions that may be helpful to you in deciding whether or not to agree to enter a mediation process or to avoid a mediation process altogether. It is intended to offer you suggestions that may make a mediation process move as quickly and as efficiently as possible in situations where relational dynamics are particularly antagonistic but not unsafe.

While we offer these suggestions, our opinion is that the only person who is in the best position to decide whether or not to enter a mediation process under any circumstances is YOU.

When to refuse mediation: If you have suffered sexual intimidation or assault, hitting, kicking, punching, choking or any other physical harm by another, mediation is not appropriate or safe under any circumstances. We do not recommend that you enter a mediation process in these types of circumstances even with the presence of a domestic violence advocate. The presence of an advocate, no matter how well trained, being present during a mediation process can provide a false sense of security and further antagonize the other party placing you at further risk.

Mediation is a dangerous forum to get back at or speak your peace to the person who has hurt you.  It is a dangerous place to "tell your story." Mediation is a conflict resolution process. In most cases it is very effective -- except in cases where domestic violence has reared its ugly head in a relationship.

Please speak to the mediator candidly about the relational history before agreeing to schedule a mediation process. Do not agree to a mediation request and show up with an advocate without proper notification.

Please remember that the mediator is not your enemy; but neither is the mediator your friend or advocate. The role of the mediator is to be a third party neutral; to ensure that both parties are treated respectfully and fairly; that a fair and acceptable solution to both parties is reached as efficiently as possible; and that each person has the opportunity to be heard.

When to request a support person in a mediation process: If you have suffered personal intimidation by another to the point whereby you are unable to make your own decisions because of past intimidation, or you are unable to verbally express your needs and concerns even with the support of a trained third-party neutral trained in conflict dynamics, a neutral support person can be of great benefit to you in the mediation process.

Even in situations whereby there is a feeling of emotional intimidation by another, a mediation process can still be an effective avenue of conflict resolution, particularly when it comes to parents having the common focus of both loving their children and wanting what is best for them as long as there can be productive dialogue.

When it is not appropriate to request a support person in the mediation process: A person not directly involved in decision making processes present in the mediation room is usually counterproductive.  Conflict is uncomfortable.  Sitting in the same room with someone you are angry with or do not trust is not easy. However, disliking or wanting to gain an advantage over the other party is not a good reason to request the presence of an advocate or support person. It may appear as a way to get an unfair advantage over the other party unless it is discussed at the initial contact by the mediator.

If you have concerns, please discuss your concerns with the mediator as soon as possible and prior to initiating a mediation process or agreeing to enter the process.  Allow the mediator to help you decide what is the best course to take.  If the request is made, and the other party does not object, the mediator will likely allow it.  If it has the potential of intimidation for either party or the presence of third persons in the room may be detrimental to a fair process, the mediator has the right to refuse. If refused, the parties may choose to call another mediation provider.

Choosing a support person: If you are required to enter a mediation process and you are emotionally intimidated by the other party it is wise to choose the least adversarial and non-antagonistic person you can think of.  It is also wise to choose someone that the other person respects as well.  For one, it will better ensure the best behavior of the other party to save face, if nothing else.  A neutral and respected support person can enhance the mediation process rather than destroy its potential.

Choose a person who is able to affirm you as an individual, keep you positive even when the going gets difficult, and who is able to keep you thinking clearly and calmly.  Be sure you choose a support person that cares enough about you to tell you if you are being unreasonable or unrealistic if you become distraught, upset or angry.

Suggestions for avoiding mediation in a court process: If you are fearful of entering a mediation process and there is a chance a court may request or require you to enter mediation, it is best to be proactive in avoiding the mediation process before the court hearing begins.

A Court may or may not be totally aware of the full history between two parties and they certainly will be unaware of your concerns and fears unless you express them.  A court may request parties to enter a mediation process if they feel it is an appropriate avenue to find resolution and in the parties' best interests to resolve it short of a contested court hearing even if there is a history of domestic abuse.  However, a court is not likely to order mediation if there is a risk of harm to anyone. A court may also temporarily and partially lift a restraining order to allow parents to enter a mediation process if they both agree to do so.

If this is something you do not feel you can do, it may be helpful to request your advocate to speak with the court or attorneys in advance of the court hearing. While an advocate can be detrimental in a mediation process, they are invaluable to you in maneuvering the court processes.  They will support you in every way that they can.

Preparing for mediation in antagonistic situations:

1. List the issues you need addressed in writing and take them with you.
2. List your needs; the needs of your children; and list the possible needs of the other parent and take them with you.
3. List your concerns in concrete sentences.
4. Practice expressing them out loud using "I" language, stating your concern, why you are concerned, what you are willing to do about the concern and what you are asking or needing from the other person. Do it out loud and keep doing it until you can express yourself clearly, calmly and accurately.
5. Be sure you have accurate facts needed to make informed decisions ahead of time.Bring any verification that may be needed with you.
6. Speak to a lawyer so you are legally advised before the process begins.
7. Speak to your support persons and your advocate for reassurance.
8. Set any needed boundaries you need to feel respected and safe.
9. Make at least three plans for resolution. Put them in writing in short paragraph form. Bring them with you.
10. Practice speaking them out loud to someone you trust explaining how they meet the needs in question 2.  "Hear your words" from the other person's perspective.
11. During dialogue, stay calm; remember to breathe deep; slow down your speech and avoid exaggerations.
12. Avoid pushing your agenda. Listen, think and then respond.  One last tip -- suggest and respect, never push your agenda or make demands. Stay positive and do not give up!