I am afraid it does not work to hide it in your closet.  We have some suggestions that may help you process the aftermath of the end of a relationship and/or other difficult life circumstances that create major changes in one's life. Grieving is a normal process.  The process of grieving the end of a marriage, particularly with children, can be very difficult because there is no certain closure.  Divorce involves processing of multiple emotions and sometimes the emotions are conflicting with one another.  Divorce also involves conflict on different levels with stacking components making it very difficult to process.

Please take care of yourself! It is like the stewardess on an airplane instructing parents to put their oxygen masks on first so the parents will not pass out before they can take necessary protective measures for their children.  Your children will weather the breakup of their parents' relationship only as well as their parents.  If the parents do not heal and move forward, the children will "get stuck" in the process -- or worse yet -- get caught in the middle.

General Health: (1) Try to get out in the fresh air and sunshine. Take a walk every day.  Both the sun and exercise are important in keeping your mind clear, release of stress, aids sleep, and keeps your immune system healthier.  (2) Emotional pain and conflict will sap your energy. Try to eat healthy foods to stabilize your blood sugar and provide needed nutrition to feed your body.  (3) Avoid alcohol; it is a depressant. (4) Take time for reflection and relaxation.  Find time to laugh to counteract the times you cry.

Do not live in the past: Process the bad times, but dwell on the good times. One cannot change the past, but our thinking processes have a huge effect on how we view and process the current circumstances.  It will not change the current circumstances to focus on the good or the bad things.  It will help you move through the grieving process with grace.

Focus on the strengths of your family and think of the other things as "challenges." Think "solutions," rather than dwell on problems. Understand what factors can or cannot be changed and do what you can to work towards solutions and not wallow in the unfairness of the circumstances. Those are simple reframes that bring perspective and balance into your thought processes. Refuse to get negative; Stay positive!

Develop a Circle of Support: Surround yourself with people that affirm you as an individual, but are also honest with you if you get vindictive. Develop a circle of friends that will keep you engaged in healthy activities. Find people that will keep you balanced.  Find more than one support person or you may overburden them. Develop a network of support.  The more healthy support people we surround ourselves with the better.

Write out your support network: Who can you turn to if you need financial advice? Who can you turn to that may have information on community resources?  Who makes you laugh when you are feeling down?  Who can you safely do social activities with? Who can hold you when you cry?  Who do your trust to keep confidences? Who can you turn to for critical thinking and problem solving?

Remember who you vented to! Emotions shift like the wind.  The people you vent to are not part of your healing process -- and you will heal! You are in transition. Your life will stabilize with time and support. Your family and friends are not part of your personal transitioning. It is a journey that you are walking.  You should never walk it alone; but it affects the people who care about you to see you hurting.  They will feel anger and frustration and they will do what they can to protect you. Parents fiercely protect their children -- no matter what age they are.  Once a parent, you are a Parent Forever.

A family member or friend you vented to may hold onto a misperception from something you said at a time when emotions were high. We may not always be 100% honest about the other person or even the totality of the circumstances when we are emotional and defensive. It is just part of the humanness we all share.

However, because your family and friends love you, they will be protective of you. It is very difficult for these people, particularly your parents, to be positive about another that is hurting you.  If they are grandparents, it is double trouble.  If they do not like the other parent, it will be very difficult for them to remain neutral or positive about the relationship of their grandchildren with the other parent. If they are holding onto any misperception that is not true it is your responsibility to correct it as the circumstances stabilize or your children may become the target of hearing negative comments about their parents. Children instinctively know they are part of both of you.  When they hear negative comments about their parents, they will transfer it.  They may feel like there is something wrong with them.  Negative comments about either parent will hurt your child's sense of self.

Divorce has long-reaching arms. It affects extended family and friends as well as you and your children.  When negativity is allowed to persist, no one heals.  This has the potential of establishing negative communication, creating defensive power and control patterns in families, creates coalitions and has the potential of pitting parent against parent, family members against family member, children against parent.  These negative power patterns can negatively impact the future generational patterns to come.  Healthy healing processes for everyone is very, very important.

Do not separate yourself from your faith support system. Whatever faith you are, find a church that is supportive of you as an individual. Get connected. Forgiveness principles are part of most every religion, if not every religion.

Forgiveness is a very misunderstood word. For one thing, it is never a one-step-payment plan. It is unrealistic to think you can forget what happened.  It is not pushing your feelings under the carpet, but forgiveness is a process of acknowledging your feelings in ways that do not blame another for your feelings.  It begins with owning your own feelings. However, feelings does not gauge one's ability to forgive.

Forgiveness begins with a deliberate decision to begin processing the emotions and circumstances a step at a time. It is a decision to be accountable where one needs to be accountable, even if the other person is not accountable.  It is a deliberate choice not to retaliate even when another is disrespectful.  It means coming above the problem and not getting down and dirty even when another is down and dirty.

On the other hand, forgiveness is not trust.  Trust is earned.  Trust has to be developed and restored with time and consistency.  If hurt continues, you may need to make a choice of creating separation for protection.  Keeping yourself or your children safe does not gauge the ability to forgive. Forgiveness or reconciliation is not setting yourself up to be hurt again and again.

Forgiveness will eventually require you to let another off the hook for a debt they legitimately owe you for the emotional pain they gave you.  Forgiveness is not rationalizing or justifying the behavior of another.  It is acceptance of the circumstances and the inability to change what happened in the past, while taking control over your own life.  It is processing what happened and making positive decisions regarding your future in areas where you have choices without trying to change or blame another.  It is taking responsibility for your future, regardless of the past, but not at the expense of another.

It may help to understand the difference between reconciliation versus resolution.  Resolution is taking care of business -- resolving the material issues at hand in order to come to an agreement that will allow you to take care of the practical side of divorce or the circumstance.  Reconciliation, however, is the ability to move forward without resentment, without a need to take revenge, or living in bitterness against another or the past.  It is reaching the point of acceptance in order to move forward without the baggage.  It is personal; it is individual; it takes time; and you will need support.

It is not a divorce or the end of a relationship that destroys people. Divorce is certainly a forgivable sin.  Sometimes people do not get along.  Sometimes people cannot live together.  Sometimes people make better friends than lovers.  No one says "I do" with the intent of getting a divorce! Unforgiveness, on the other hand, is what destroys.  Unforgiveness, bitterness, desire for revenge, hurting one another in retalition -- that destroys everyone.

Resolution involves the business issues; reconciliation involves the most difficult part of divorce or any relational conflict -- it involves the inner core of one's being.  The only way to get to the point of forgiveness or reconciliation (which does not mean getting back together), is to process the emotions, feelings and circumstances in ways that do not cause further harm to yourself or to others. It is moving forward in spite of the past without bitterness.  It is not putting the baggage in a closet to haunt you for the rest of your life.  It is giving it away, without trying to get payment for what it is worth.

Forgiveness or reconciliation involves dealing with an intangible. It is being owed a legitimate debt without the ability to tangibly see or collect adequate payment. Forgiveness is releasing the debt another owes you.  In so doing, you are freeing yourself from the baggage it holds without hiding it in your closet. It means sleeping with a clear conscience without being afraid of the boogey man in that closet. The baggage is gone; given away. It will not fall down on your head every time you open that door.

Forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with the other person. You may never hear "I'm sorry" from the one who hurt you and people oftentimes are not accountable when they should be.  Sometimes we hurt other people, or are hurt by others, and they do not even know it! Forgiveness is not earned -- it is given.

The most difficult person to forgive is one's self.  But if one does not forgive themselves, how can one give another what they do not have?  So, forgive yourself first. Everyone of us is on equal ground in personal value. There is no such thing as "perfect."

Journaling is an excellent and safe way to process. Write a letter to the person who hurt you.  You  may need to confront another to tell them how much they hurt you, as long as it will be productive. You can write a letter and not send it or you can say things out loud to release the pressure.

(1) Be accountable where you need to take accountability. (2) Empathize -- put yourself in the shoes of the other person to help you see there is more than one side.

Whatever process you use, the goal is to get to the point of acceptance of the circumstances without devaluing yourself or another, so you can move forward with your lives in peace.  It is that inner peace that puts one at rest.

It takes time. It takes patience.  It takes courage.  It is something you will need support in doing.  Find a good spiritual counselor.  You are not alone!