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Conflict does not have to be the fault of anyone; sometimes circumstances arise that simply are the way they are. On the other hand, there are conflicts that are sometimes caused by another. No matter what the circumstance is, conflict rarely goes away unless it is productively addressed. If conflict is not resolved and hurtful communications continue, issues will remain unaddressed.  If not productively managed, conflict has the potential of being greatly destructive. Take heart!

Conflict may begin on a negative note, but conflict can end on a positive one. Do you realize that conflict has a purpose? For one, it serves as a warning measure.  More importantly, it serves as an avenue for change -- for growth and understanding.

No matter how skilled one is in dealing with conflict, conflict is never easy. Conflict is uncomfortable  because there is always an element of the unknown. Yet, conflict is an inevitable and necessary part of life. Without a measure of conflict we would never grow as individuals and relationships would never go beyond superficial. Without the elements of conflict, needed changes in the world around us would never happen.

Conflict results when our needs differ or are at odds with another. We all have different needs, personalities, backgrounds and experiences. Conflict results from those differences. While conflict is an inevitable and necessary part of life, conflict resolution is how we work with others in resolving our differences. How successful we are in interacting depends upon our abilities to communicate with others and our willingness to work through defenses. It helps to recognize our own defense mechanisms so we can collaboratively work towards meeting our own needs as well as the needs of others.

Blaming is a defense mechanism that escalates conflict and prevents communication. Conflict does not have to be the fault of anyone. Circumstances sometimes are the way they are and need to be accepted and worked with. Conflict resolution and productive problem solving uses all resources to the best potential while meeting the needs of each person involved.

Conflicts are fueled by hurtful words, unrealistic expectations, and underlying motivations driven by emotions.  The most detrimental emotions in productive conflict resolution are fear, hurt and anger. It is wise to work through emotions before addressing conflict.  Never make major decisions based on emotions and feelings.  Feelings are never stable; they shift like the wind!

Conflict has a progression. Conflict begins with an unmet need.  When the need goes unmet or is misunderstood, it progresses and begins to take on a life of its own.  It absorbs more of our thinking processes. The higher the stakes are in a situation, the higher the level of conflict can be. The higher the intensity of emotions, the longer the length of conflict can become.

Conflict has layers. There is a material layer to conflict (the tangible issues that need to be resolved) and a relational layer to conflict (the intangible layer of emotions and personal interactions that oftentimes drive a conflict).

Conflict has stages. If conflict is not addressed in the early stages, it will take on a multiplication factor. While it may have begun with one simple need or issue, the strained communications or negative interactions between people create a stacking effect. As the conflict begins to stack, it becomes more complicated, difficult to sort out and harder to manage. Complicated conflict involves a number of inter-connected issues and a number of inter-relational exchanges.  The more individuals involved the more complicated the conflict dynamics can be.

As conflict continues to progress, the unmet need creates a want or desire. When the need, want or desire becomes more absorbing to us, it develops into an expectation. Depending upon the individual perceptions and circumstances of two people at odds with one another, an expectation may or may not be considered important, reasonable or realistic in the eyes of another. The expectation is unreasonable if it cannot feasibly be met by another.

When the expectation results in making demands of another, and that demand is not met, the conflict may progress into a judgmental attitude of the personal worth of another. (Watch those monster-making thought processes!) As the conflict continues to progress, communication becomes further strained. Responses can become retaliatory; attitudes become revengeful; and patterns of power and control develop.  These negative communications patterns are very destructive and difficult to break.  They create a merry-go-round effect and no one knows how to get off.

When we seek to get our own needs met at the expense of another, or if we view our own needs, opinions, or personal value to be more important than another, the conflict has crossed the line from productive to destructive.

All is still not lost! Conflict management is 90% attitude!

When dialoguing through conflict with another, agree on a One Hour at a Time; One Issue at a Time concept unless you are with a trained conflict manager. Working more than one issue at a time can be overwhelming and you may begin to intertwine the issues.  If you continue more than one hour, the stress will wear on you and there is a risk of destroying the progress you have made.

Start with the AARC principle.  It's referred to us by the "Bridge Over Troubled Waters."

• Accept the right of another to have an opinion different from your own and treat their needs to be as important and as valid as your own. You can even agree to disagree or admit partial blame where necessary and actually gain integrity.
• Appreciate one another's differences and individual perceptions. It is what makes life interesting.
• Respect one another. Rise above disrespect and refuse to retaliate for the sake of retaliation. Refuse to become judgmental. At the very least, you will sleep with a clear conscience.
• Communicate towards meeting the needs rather than indulging in power and control.

Communication tips:

• When communicating, avoid coming on too strong.
• Suggest and Respect. Do not Expect and Demand.
• Act upon rather than react.
• Listen first; then think and respond. A moment of silence may be worth its weight in gold at times.
• Listen with your heart more than listen for content. You'll have plenty of time to gather detail.  Don't be in a hurry.
• Do not over exaggerate; be honest or you may have to defend your own words even if not true.
• Take responsibility for your feelings and use "I" language. Feelings do not need to be understood by another, but they do need to be expressed. No one "makes" us feel.  Feelings simply are.
• If you need time to calm down or think things through, say so - before things escalate. Set a time to talk later. It's honest to state "I'm too angry to talk about this right now.  I need a little time to think.  Can I call you later after I think it through?"
• Monitor your words. If your words tear down the value of another; if your words are not honest; if your words fuel the fire; if your words offer complaint without solution - think before you speak them. Remember that once words are said, you cannot take them back.
• One last suggestion -- don't give up when the going gets rough! Take a break if things get heated.  If you say something that is hurtful, take responsibility for it and ask if you can start over again.  If someone asks you the same, offer the same courtesy.