Anger is a secondary emotion.  It is caused by a primary emotion, such as, fear, hurt, or rejection. We respond to anger differently.  There is nothing "wrong" with being angry.  Anger tells us something needs to be addressed. We do have control over our anger and the way we respond to situations. 

Just for fun, there are seven anger styles:

• Volcano - blowing your top!
• Bean pot - fester and stew in silent rage
  
• Blow torch - the old "chip-on-the-shoulder approach
  
• Foghorn - attempting to "out-talk" another
  
• Joker - sarcastic humor at another's expense
  
• Kick the cat syndrome - taking your anger out on others (or anything else that gets in your way) 
• Turtle response - tucking in and refusing anyone to get into your shell or not acknowledging that a problem exists

The best way to manage anger is (1) Admit when you are angry (2) Get in touch with why you are angry (3) Prepare to articulate solutions rather than just the problem.

If you are engaged in an argument that is going around and around, two things are likely happening.  You are either trying to "out-talk" one another as a defense without enough facts to back up anything you are saying or you are allowing your emotions to take control of your brain.  Neither is productive.

If you are in this situation, pause and ask yourself what is happening. If you do not have enough factual information to make informed resolutions the argument will be more destructive than productive. You can choose to focus on solutions or choose to keep arguing and allow emotions to control the outcome.

If you are allowing your emotions to control you, state that you are too angry to talk about it right now and need a little time to calm down and think things through.  Then request a respectful amount of time to calm down. It is better to be straight forward and honest than to be defensive and say things that have long term detrimental effects.  Once words are said they cannot be taken back.  Hurtful words can cause just as much harm as physical violence.

 The Four C's

• Stay Civil:  You have already lost the battle if you become over-defensive and disrespectful
• Be Clear: Slow down your speech and think before you speak
  
• Stay Calm: If you lock up and forget to breathe your brain will not receive enough oxygen to think
  
• Be Concise:  Know what you want to say and do not want to say. Check yourself for accuracy.

Responding to anger in the seven anger styles listed above is not a good way of managing our anger. Remember that we do not the right to stay angry at another when they do not live up to our own expectations.  We do have a choice whether or not to remain angry. We can control our negative emotions and our words and actions if we choose to do so.

There is not necessarily any connection between the behavior of another person and our anger. We own our anger and our expectations of another. We also own our own feelings.  Feelings are neither right or wrong.  They simply are the way they are. Blaming others for our feelings or our anger is nonproductive. We cannot expect another to know how we feel.  However, we do have a right to express how we feel and why we feel that way as long as it is done respectfully. Anger, like conflict, can be productive if it addresses a problem, makes needed changes, and works towards making things better than it was before. Verbalize solutions and not only the problem.

Be careful of harboring anger.  It destroys from the inside out.  It can destroy relationships, health and peace in your life. Negative thinking will keep you angry and will immobilize your thinking. We often tell ourselves in words, images, and attitudes the very things that cause us to remain angry. Be aware of what you are thinking.  Focus on creative solutions rather than harboring hurt feelings.

Circle Problem Solving Process

Make three large circles.  In the first circle, list the areas in which you have control.  You can always control your thought processes by productive journaling.  You have control over many areas of your own life and you can have control over your responses. You may not like your choices because of the circumstances, but they are still choices. List steps that you can do to change a situation that are not dependent on the behavior of another or unforeseeable circumstances. This will help you take responsibility and empower you to move forward.

In the second circle list the areas you do not have control over. These may be the given circumstances under which no one has any control.  This is the factual circle.  List the facts of the situation. This is a good way of organizing facts and seeing what facts are missing that you need to make a decision.

The third circle is the problem solving circle.  List all of your possible options to resolve the situation you are in. List 10, even if they do not seem realistic at first.  The ones you initially bypass oftentimes are the best ideas. List what you need from others and examine if your list is reasonable or unreasonable.  List the needs of each person involved. 

Make Plan A, Plan B and Plan C from the information in the other circles.  Always make more than one plan or you will not be prepared to handle the unexpected.  

This is an excellent crisis management approach for almost any situation.  When we are faced with crisis we can become immobilized and our thinking process get stunned.  This might help you see that you have more control over your circumstances than you thought!