We all have different ways we respond to conflict.  We respond differently to situations and to people depending upon the dynamics of a relationship. We all are a blend of temperaments and conflict resolution styles. We have different perceptions, life experiences, talents and desires.

There is no right or wrong conflict resolution behavioral style.  It is simply our tendencies to react to others under stressful circumstances.  Much depends on our temperaments, our defense mechanisms, the degree of tension and stakes involved. We also react and respond to individuals differently.  Some people and circumstances bring out the best in us and others -- don't. Our style develops with life experience, the temperaments we were born with, our perceptions of the world around us, our communication style, and even our gender differences.

The degree of conflict depends on a number of factors as well. The higher the stakes, the higher the defenses will become. The more intense the emotions, the higher the degree of intensity will be.  The more hurtful the words and interactions are between individuals, the longer the healing time and the greater the potential damage.

Your conflict management behavioral style is simply a part of who you are. We are each a very unique blend of experiences, backgrounds, perceptions, gifts and abilities. We are a blend of temperaments and a blend of conflict behavioral styles. There are no good or bad or right or wrong; they are just tendencies. However, it can be helpful to recognize those tendencies in ourselves and in others to enable us to work with others more effectively.

I have seen different assessments and terminologies in describing conflict behavioral styles.  The easiest I have found to understand are (1) Avoidance (2) Collaborative (3) Accommodator (4) Compromiser; and (5) Control or compete. 

In a nutshell, if you have the tendency to sidestep dealing with issues or avoid an issue exists, you are likely higher on the avoidance scale.  If you like to dig in and get to the bottom of the problem and expect others to join in, you are likely highly collaborative.  If you say "yes" when everything in your head is screaming "no", you are likely a high accommodator.  If you try to find a compromise that meets a little of everyone's requests you are a good compromiser.  If you want to win, at all cost, and by any tactic -- and you deny it -- you are high on the control or compete scale.  Are you a mixture of a little of each?  Most likely we all are.

 Understanding the Avoidance Style

It is not unusual for an avoidance style person to be passive and then flip to passively aggressive when feeling pushed or threatened.  They may deny an issue even exists while aggressively blaming another for a situation. They may refuse to take responsibility or action to make needed changes and wait for someone else to step forward or they may complain and hold a grudge rather than take assertive action.

Remember that conflict behavioral style is an initial reaction to conflict. While all this sounds very negative, an avoidance style individual is simply an internal processor. They sort things out through inward thinking. They like to sort things through and "get their ducks in a row" before revealing your thoughts and plans. An avoidance style may have developed because of past experiences. They may avoid revealing their actual thoughts and feelings because they feel vulnerable. They may simply be quieter people and are not comfortable disclosing their feelings to just anyone.

If you have an avoidance style, work on your communication skills.  If you are unable to express your thoughts, feelings and needs, it will be difficult for another to respond to you.  Avoid giving subtle hints or expecting others to read between the lines in order to understand what you are thinking and feeling.

If you need space or time to think things through be assertive enough to respectfully say so.  Be productive in using that time by journaling and thinking things through. If given that time you will feel respected and unthreatened.  You are fully capable of productive collaboration when given time, are respected and encouraged.

Avoid taking the "turtle approach" when feeling pushed or threatened.  You will have the tendency to become either very defensive or you will turn inward into a hard impenetratable shell. Either response is not effective in addressing conflict. Learn the art of productive journaling, which includes not only journaling your thoughts and feelings, but journaling a plan of action.  It is also helpful for you to set a timeline for yourself. Put yourself in the shoes of those waiting for you to respond!

Working with an avoidance style person:  Be respectful of their sensitivity.  Be careful not to back them into a corner.  Like a turtle in the wild, they cannot be rushed.  If you rush them or threaten them, they will tuck in and you will not be able to penetrate the hard defensive shell.  If you take a poke at that turtle or taunt that turtle, it's going to bite you.  Do you know that when a turtle latches on it cannot let go? Do not antagonize a turtle. 

Be supportive and encouraging. Show confidence in their ability to respond. Give them a little time and a little space - but a gentle time line won't hurt.  Most often, if they have that, they will think things through and act on it. They have the tendency to procrastinate and avoid an issue, so it may be helpful to place the issue in front of them; ask them to think it over; and then back off.

The second approach should be a little more assertive by asking them again and explain why it is important to you that they respond or get back to you.  If they are still immobilized, set a reasonable and respectful time line.  If they do not take productive action, you are probably justified in going ahead and addressing the issue the best you can. You cannot control a turtle - or anyone else for that matter.

A few more tips for the avoidance style individual: Take the time to prepare before entering a conflict resolution process.  Practice stating out loud (1) what you are feeling (2) what is causing you to feel the way you do and (3) what you are willing to do to address the issues and (4) what be able to clearly state what you are requesting from another.

(1) Increase your communication skills.  It may also be helpful to attend a communication skills building seminar. (2) Learn productive journaling skills so you are prepared to verbalize clearly and finally, (3) Develop a problem solving process that works for you.

These suggestions will make you feel ready to address conflict, prevent you from turning inward, and feel confident in asserting yourself when necessary. Making a plan and setting a timeline for yourself will motivate you into action.  Set a timeline for yourself and learn not to procrastinate when faced with something that is uncomfortable for you. 

If you take an assertive role you will not feel controlled by another who is more assertive than you and you will be empowered to address the circumstances without feeling pressured. 

Collaborative

When faced with conflict, a collaborative person wants talk it through.  They are external processors, meaning they sort things out by outward verbalization.  They want to push their shirt sleeves up and go to work, and they want it dealt with -- NOW. 

Remember the avoider?  Can you imagine what an avoidance type person feels like when addressed by a highly collaborative one?  Neither people are trying to frustrate the other, but life could get a little interesting.  If you have two avoiders, nothing will get done.  If you have an avoider and a highly collaborative person, the collaborative is going to move ahead before the avoider is ready and sparks could begin to fly -- and things may still not get done!

A collaborative person can be viewed by an avoider as controlling and manipulative, when all the collaborative person may be is impatient.  The collaborative person needs to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n!  A highly collaborative person might make a decision just to get it made without thinking through all the facts. However, a collaborative person is excellent at using all resources well and a collaborative person is usually very reliable and capable.  They do not procrastinate.  There is nothing more frustrating for a collaborative style person so be left hangin' around waiting for someone else to take responsibility.

The strange part of relationship is, the collaborative needs the avoider and the avoider needs the collaborative. If they can respect one another and put themselves in the other's shoes, they can accomplish wonders in a conflictual situation!

Compromiser and Accommodator

A compromiser looks for the win-win in every situation. An accommodator desires to please others and work things out. Both are a good stabilizing forces and they are natural born peacemakers.  However, dependent upon how high the tendencies are and who they are working with, they can become overly compromising and overly accommodating. 

Compromising and accommodating are good styles, as long as they are able to set personal boundaries and stick with them.  If they do not allow their no, to be no, and their yes, to be yes, they may wind up feeling misunderstood and taken advantage of. That leads to bitter relationships rather than healthy ones.

Compromisers and accommodators need to be in touch with their feelings and needs and learn good assertive skills to express them.  People are naturally drawn to these types of individuals because they are pleasant to be around. They are easier going than other styles. However, can you imagine what it's like to make dinner plans with two accommodators or compromisers?

Control or Compete

It's not as bad as it sounds -- but it can be if you are not able to stand your ground with them.  Some individuals are naturally competitive; some individuals are not self-confident or have experienced abuse or other hurtful circumstances that have harmed their ability to work with people without control or competition; and some control/competes are just plain mean.  If you have these tendencies, journaling your thoughts and feelings and being able to look at them all perspectives is key.  When communicating with a control or compete individual, carefully plan your opening statement.  Once said, and if you do not feel heard, be ready to state clearly and efficiently (1) What you are feeling (2) Why you feel that way (3) What you are asking of them.  It can be helpful to use short conversations with this type of style -- kind of like reading a paragraph at a time so they only have so much to absorb, and when necessary, ask for a 30 second rebuttal!

I guess the bottom line comes down to this:  People are simply people.  We all have our good and bad sides.  Listen with your heart; look at the big picture; and cut each other a little slack for being human.